Thursday, June 9, 2016

Small Success Thursday... Surrender To God's Will

Good Morning!
It's Thursday.
Life has been rough-o-la... and I've struggled with blogging because 1) I feel like I only complain lately and 2) ya'll have other things to do than read about how crappy things are. FOR REAL!

But I come to you today broken and bruised... and asking for prayer and compassion.  What else can I do?

When I last posted, our older dog had been in the hospital (almost $1K). Remember the poopnado?... and our baby puppy was - well a baby and I hadn't slept, and my husband had been out of town for 5+ weeks.  So my husband came home. YAY. And we got a call from Houston. My father, who had major strokes 7 years ago was very sick. Turns out he'd broken his sternum in an accident and has such a high pain tolerance (and dementia from his strokes according to his caregiver) that he didn't realize it. Well, when the doc did a work up, his blood count was low and he needed blood. They decided to do an endoscopy and colonoscopy to see where he was bleeding from. They found a mass and bleeding ulcers. By the weekend he felt better, and the released him, making an appt. for further tests out-patient. By now, I was so rundown I was sick - swollen glands, ear infection, sinus infection. I'm quite sure my husband was thinking - "I came home to this?!" haha  

Continuing with my dad, he was back in the hospital by Saturday (after being released on a Thursday). A different hospital.  Within days all my siblings and I were in Houston. When they did the 2nd scope, because of all the holes in his abdomen, his body cavity filled with air and he crashed. They revived him and the surgeon spent three hours inside my dad.. We were told it was stage four cancer, they just did not know what kind.  But the Biopsy came back inconclusive to what it was, but inflammatory tissue is what we were told. YAY - it may not be cancer. But they could not definitively say that... so we hope and pray.   

The good news, as I type this, is that he will be going home from the hospital soon. It may be that the ulcer is so huge that it has enveloped a tumor and that is why it is attached to organs, etc. It might be that there is no cancer and the stomach just needed a chance to heal from the perforations the ulcers caused. And so we wait and pray. 

I just found out two days ago that I am still sick. That explains why I was coughing and sleeping... I have acute bronchitis. Sigh. I am weary. Oh, didn't I tell ya'll I forgot to take my antibiotics with me to Houston? The stress of being there around my very dysfunctional family and my dad being so sick was very hard on me that I did not realize I wasn't getting better. And I'm often in a funk when I visit certain parts of my family, so I really just thought I was worn out. Anywhooo...

I am now going to counseling. I had my first session and it was awesome. I am creating my goals and I know it will be life-changing. It's been a while since I've been in counseling. But being in Houston, being spoken to like I don't matter, being judged by people who barely know me, watching my dad suffer... it was too much. I had to admit to myself that I am struggling to find ME and that I have been for some time. I'm struggling to find MY VOICE. And my behavior is starting to show it to my husband, my son and my friends.


So, how is this all a success?

Well you know when you are questioning God... "why God why?" Begging, "please don't let my daddy/(your relative/friend, etc.) die", "why can't finances be better?" "why are we being punished?"... pick one or two... we've all been there. 

Well, I looked up while I was in Houston, and God was there... This is NOT the first time He has manifested in the clouds so I could tell He was with me. 


You are either shaking your head, thinking "this woman is crazy" which I may be.... or you are saying, The Holy Spirit, it's the Holy Spirit, like I did. Or maybe you see an eagle or a dove. Either way... God spoke to me. I am not alone.

After speaking with my counselor and a few friends about how I've been feeling... I knew I was going to have to make some changes in how I perceive things. Not making them unreal, but combating the negative feelings, the "beating myself ups".  Our thoughts can sometimes be false. And the evil one is strong. He distorts our thinking. We need to learn to challenge the negative thoughts and question ourselves... Mostly we have to pray.

For the past decade or more, I have struggled. I pray for God to show me the way. But I'm not 100% sure I've been open to it.  I mean - my life is proof in some ways, that I haven't. And so, how do I get to a place where i am cognitively and purposefully meeting God and learning from him? This is now my mission... 

So through all this, I came across the Novena of Surrender to the Will of God. And I knew, He was talking to me. "Emily, I am here. Where are you? Why do you not focus on Me? Why do you care what others think? Why do you worry about things you can not control? When are you going to trust ME?"  So I asked if anyone wanted to pray it with me, and two friends are.

Then I saw this: 
We are all called to do the will of the father and proclaim the Son with the help of the Holy Spirit. When we enter into relationship with each person of the Trinity, we are strengthened for this important mission. In communion with the Trinity, we can live out God's purpose for our lives with certitude and joy. -from Created to Relate  
in an email from Franciscan Media. I love their daily emails. They also have a FaceBook Page.

And someone sent me this:


You get the point. Lots of hints here, there and everywhere.

I don't have a lot of other successes this week. I sound like a dude and am coughing my head off. But everyone is alive and well. The boy has made it to strength and agility camp all week (except the day we went to the docs).. oh yes, he has a touch of what I have, but he wanted to go to camp. The doc said he could...

I will be purposefully praying and would love for you to join me in praying for:

  • What direction to take my blog in.
  • All of you and the intentions I know about (feel free to add to them).
  • That I listen to and SURRENDER TO the will of God.
  • That you all do the same.
  • our Pope and Priests/Clergy.
  • Our Country/World.
  • and much more.


I may not blog so much here this month. But I will be blogging at my craft blog. It's easier, it's crafty, and I just need a break from my mind. I have so much to say here, I just need to organize my thoughts. You know!?!

Loving friends, thank you for your patience and prayer.  Please go to Small Success Thursday at Catholicmom.com and check out the other bloggers. I love the posts.

Blessings,
Em

p.s. I heard from my cousin today. Dad is home from the hospital. Things are looking up. God is so good!